i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
can we get together and have a vodka water gun fight? i need to get som intense excersise/alcohol
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
Randomize
