I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
have you ever wondered what it would feel like to stick those coneheads in your vaj
omg every time its on
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
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