You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
A shower wasnt enough to wash off the shame but at least it took care off the blood.
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
Randomize
