beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
He called me Kitten either just because or he figured out my old s&m life. Either way huge turn on.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
I'm too high and old for this...
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
Randomize
