Dude we got so high last night. I said "watch this" threw a goldfish cracker in the toilet, and laughed my ass off. We watched the dvd menu for 30 minutes too.
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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