My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
Randomize