I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
who has not yet felt my sugrcially enhanced boobs. HurryI am at the bnar and it is 1:15 am
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
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