i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
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