so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
