I'm so fucking centered right now
I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
When did we convert life to cartoon?
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
Randomize
