I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
Tell her she can't have a vagina
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
Randomize
