I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
this celing is unfamiliar to me... im just vaguely wondering where i am. but not quite concerned enough to do anything about it.
The band last night was really good
That was definitely karaoke. Guess that answers my follow up question on how drunk you were.
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
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