I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
Randomize
