Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
i just remembered that i beat off next to you while we were naked and passed out next to each other after last night... No Homo
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
Randomize
