Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
If we accept the love we think we deserve do we also accept the sex we think we deserve?
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
Randomize
