i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
I have fuck me eyes 4/5 people agree. It's like doctors or dentists but with ppl who have lots of sex and know these things.
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
Randomize