Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
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