The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
His "hunger Strike for change" lasted 4 days. Hi welcome to my coke binge last weekend....not impressed
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
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