god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
This may sound mean but have u ever just sat in class and look at some of the the people and think how disappointed their parents must be
Yes but life is bad with poopy sheets
Everyone was high fiveing on their a walks of shame home. God im gonna miss college life
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
last night we watched this really loud chick try and pick up this smoking french guy who's english was sooo bad. she finally pointed at her beer and then her vagine
gross
like you've never done an interperative dance for sex, please
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
Randomize
