You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
Randomize
