If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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