I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
Pregaming for shuffle board at 10 AM. I love spring break.
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
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