Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
Gay?
German.
Pity.
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
Randomize
