everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
All I can tell you is you will need a rain slicker for tonight's festivities. Any clothes underneath would be highly frowned upon as well.
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
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