this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
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