2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
i also remember watching someone vomit off a balcony which was kind of grim
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
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