if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
Randomize
