you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
Randomize
