Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
how hairy? two words: wookie tits
omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
But we have bathrooms and they dont
Randomize
