Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
she was talking to me but i could help but stare at the extremely long hairs on her boobs. then she says, "your looking at the hair on my boobs aren't you"
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
You know I'm really starting to enjoy being everyones first gay experience
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
the raccoons are back...
Randomize
