I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
He is saved in her phone as Sir. Mindfuck <3/ vag cleaner of course I need to meet him.
Still had our rainbow strip poker new years tradition. End of night we were only wearing mask.
Did you get the usual surprise pics from the strange straight you like to sprinkle in.
Randomize
