i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
