dude, you're never picky with who you hook up with, have a little dignity
nah man, chicks are like pokemon, gotta catch \'em all
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
Couch. On fire.
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Randomize
