whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
he fucked my hip out of place.
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
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