barbara walters just said penis...
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
THERE ARE ENTIRELY TOO MANY HOT UNDERAGE GIRLS HERE FOR THIS TO REMAIN LEGAL.
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
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