saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
Randomize
