so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
Dude...disintegrating condoms. Think about it. For all the guys that wanna go raw dog but their girls won't let them, and for the girls that wanna get pregnant but their guys don't want a kid. What do you think?
I think you've been hitting the soco too hard again.
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
She called herself a train and then took off all her clothing. I forget everything after that.
I saw you two flinging Jello at the sidewalk if that helps jog your memory.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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