On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
Randomize
