You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
Randomize
