Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people
I didn't say she couldn't, I said you shouldn't.
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
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