dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
I have fuck me eyes 4/5 people agree. It's like doctors or dentists but with ppl who have lots of sex and know these things.
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
I party with great urgency now.
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
Bahahah I should. I’m the free range drunk girl who should clearly not be free range because who knows what kind of fuckery I would get into
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