I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.
if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
You brought out the iron board layed it on the ground in the middle of everyone and passed out for the night
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
Dicks are not precious.
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
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