On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
we left when one of the guys tried to stick himself with an IV that he found
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
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