Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
Officially crunch time. It's my last year of grad school and I've yet to get blown in a school library. The parking garage was less than a block away though.
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
