i wish starbucks made bloody marys
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
the last 2 times weve had drunk sex ive had to get the morning after pill.. he's turning into a real expensive fuck buddy.
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
Hello my rib-scented angel!
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
gave up morals for lent, so far it's actually been really easy.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
