I justed realized that the word 'turd" is present in saturday
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Randomize
