So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
I'm gonna go out on a limb and say it had something to do with pool sex.
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
