how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
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