I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
YOURE GIVING A BLOW JOB TO THE BOY WHO SAYS "OH SNAP"
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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