I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
you had me at cake vodka
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
Well there is another shower in Nov. So I have three months to figure out how to get some drunk space fucking. May need some of your mead
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
