cant go down on her man, her vagoo reminds me of a face hugger from aliens
Revelation of the day. Bulimia is dumb. Anorexia is easier.
You suck.
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
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