apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
the only thing i can think of after seeing avatar is "when are they gonna make avatar porn?"
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
Randomize
