now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
I'm a full-grown woman and thusly I expect my sphincters to behave themselves.
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Randomize
