please say your awake. the girl i brought home last night...any idea on a name? she isnt up yet...
If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
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