And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Randomize