If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
I need an honest answer, no judgements. Would it make me a bad person if I fucked the other twin?
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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