this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
I think it really helped to be hungover at accepted students day. it gave me a good feel for how it would be everyday if I go there.
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
Thanks for supporting me through Robs retirement. I'm still in shock, but your dick helped.
Randomize
