we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
Every time Brady gets sacked I cum a little...
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
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