Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
Randomize
